Oh now i've really gone and done it.

Allow me to paraphrase a bit here.. I've committed such a foul, disorderly, improper crime. Now coming out of my fuck up mouth this is breaking news. Oh i'll just come out with it then. I've taken a real, slightly instense dream I had 2 months ago and somehow spun it's wheels into fruition. A dream about a scruffy faced, fiercly cocky, adolescent kid (freshly 18 so it's legal thank god) and myself. Basically a wet dream or whatever but that term makes me want to vomit into a million dumpsters. I'll hust coin a new phrase here and call it a "intense lapse of one's sexual sanity." Not really a phrase so I guess I really won't be coining shit. Okay so this fella and I work at the same fine ding pizza establishment (not fine dining at all) ; he works in the kitchen and I waitress up front. Lately we've been working the same schedules and it's added innocent, almost tween like flirtation to my overwhelmingly dull pit stain of a life. We banter back and forth throughout the course of each work day and it's just something fun to toy around with while i'm doing bitch work like folding boxes, bringing dirty dishes to the kitchen, or getting my 100th bucket of ice. He got my number the other night and we sort of made plans to hang out in the near future. What? Hello am I a 20 year old woman who wants to "get" with an 18 year old before he leaves for college in 2 months? That is yet to be determined but I just think I have so much work to do on myself and more importantly my soul that I don't have time to take a brief trip down highschool lane. I've come too far. Or maybe not far enough. Alas I am keen on making myself my top priority ajd fuck all the haters who snub their noses at that.

There I am in love with a pre-teen when ...............

Fades into a girl in present day staring at a blank computer screen. She clicks the mouse furiously as she downs her 2nd red bull. She bangs her head on the keyboard and lies there limp for a few seconds before walking out her back door.

She lights a cigarette and inhales anxiously into the mildew louisiana air. Her cell phone is apparently working the graveyard shift because the action has been seriously diluted. "What are people doing shit at 3 am? They should be! Wake up fuckers you're life is ticking away and will not consult with you first!"

She thinks these thougths and as soon as they unload new ones sweep in and steal their thunder. "We are all responsible for how shitty of a person we become. It's not fair to hold hostages for our surmountable fuck ups. If you fuck up own it. Don't shy away from it. Because then not only have you learned a fucking thing or two but you instantly became human and relatable. Never forget to stay human for longer than just a little bit."

"When life demands more of people than they demand of life - as is ordinarilly the case - what results is a resentment of life almost as deep seated as the fear of death." - Tom Robbins

Spilling of guts.

I'm in this weird blurred out state of my life and it's really bizarre to say the absolute least. I feel abused and suffocated, tired and helpless. All of these crazy life moments are coming at me at top speed and I just can't manage to get out of the way. Everything's moving around me and I just there, stagnant and unaware. I don't get the life punchlines untl the jokes already been distributed. I don't make sense when I'm on my period and I've had a shit ton of coffee. I text all the wrong guys when I'm 3 drinks in. In my hazy, intoxicated brain I think that they want to hear from me. I get responses that say just the opposite. Yet I keep this cycle going because it makes me feel a little bit wanted. I can't keep my room clean for longer than an entire episode of Gossip Girl and the water bottles seem to have found a resting place in every corner of my space. I'm an out right mess and I still keep on keeping on. I haven't been on my meds for a good 2 weeks. Y'all have made me feel more alive than I have in months and it's made me forget about feeling sorry for myself. I keep seeing your name everywhere, that's another bad one. It's haunting my soul, hurting my entire body. I don't want to see your name pop up on my phone. I don't want to be your convenient friend. It's too much. It's far too soon.

It's a dagger.

"They are all good men until something happens to them, S. Some of them stay good if treated."

Just made up my mind.

My next tattoo will be a sylvia plath paraphrased quote "i am i am i am" in script somewhere. I think my left rib.

“I know exactly how that is. To love somebody who doesn’t deserve it. Because they are all you have. Because any attention is better than no attention."

This is where i'm at right now. This is what i'm fucking working with. I need to cut the cord. I need to let you be.

And just when I thought the high tides had subsided, I was shit on. Metarphorically of course. But I might as well had been stuck standing there covered in real live human fesis.

I inherited the loose lips from you, mother dear. I don't ever remember getting off the gossip train. Muffeled hidden agendas were always shining bright enough for me to see. I was the fool. I let the gossip feed me in the morning, comfort me in the evenings, and flicker on my phone at night like a reminder night light. You see, I let words get in the way. I became a pawn in a high game of chess. What a mess, what a mess. But I have power. I have actions and rational thoughts. I am an expert at getting my act together at the drop of a fucking hat. But why is this time so very, very different. Why do I feel glum and introverted and not alive and kickin. I want to have a fucking say so. My sister, my mom, them I cannot control. But I have working parts, I have agile arms and capable legs. I can carry my weight and my responsibilities in my back pocket. I can get the ball rolling, All I need is a "spliff and a fag."