Doves and uppercuts.

Now more than ever I need a drastic change of scenery. I want my dad to apply for an out of state position, so I can start somewhere fresh. Everything is so routine and dull, I'm always working and I've lost contact with the people I actually cared for. I've always shunned the thought of leaving my beloved city but I'm much more open to the possibility now. Gimme gimme more.. I'd like to meet more people with enthusiasm for life and loyalty. I'm unhappy but don't feel bad for me it's of my own doing. I'll talk to my dad about this, maybe he can cheer me up and offer some alternatives. Do what ya do..

I'll trample my pride?

The only thing i'm somewhat good at is pushing and not pushing a shopping cart or a door open, pushing people away, important people at that. I like to push it gives me the feeling of authority or supremecy, it gives me the power i crave. I'm a control freak and need to have the upperhand in every relationship. It's not like i'm bragging, i'd like to give my great pushing ability to anyone willing but it doesn't seem to want to let up. I'm sorry mum and dad that you've raised such an analytical, cyincial daughter. I can't let anyone in, my box is caving in. These boundries are defining themselves. He was right, so right. 4am wakeup call is beckoning, thanksgiving sales don't wait for no one!

My memory is cruel
Im queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn i'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only i had been listening
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me

I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So i've learned to listen through silence
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me i'm almost ready
When he meant let go
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines

Bitter, maybe

I love writing, I really do but I do it because of that sole fact, not so it can judged and possibly win some prize money, although an extra $1000 dollars in my pocket wouldn't be so bad. Melancholy, oh melancholy why? Some one buy me election on DVD. I hope i'm not revealing too much..

Like a car crash I can see but just can't seem to avoid.

Oh my, I just about cried out every emotion stored in the crevices of my inner being, grey's anatomy does that to me. Chest pains. Major chest pains. Left side. Is that where the heart's at? Hiccups after meals... The numb left arm... The works. I have so much hostility built up I need to take these thanksgiving holidays to get to know me. Madison Taylor Weigand, the girl I used to be quite good friends with, I miss her. "Make it work."

The world has lost it's shine.

Roberto cavalli for H&M makes me go weak in the knees. I'm amazing thus far. I'm happier and carefree, it's the way to be. I'm lying down the foundation for the rest of my life. Happy, happy, joy, joy. Taking everything in stride. I hope Maddie doesn't have turburchulosis. Worry, worry, sad, sad.

Cosa Nostra!

Just made chocolate chip cookies for courtney's birthday, which is tommorrow and they smell so good I want them all. Weekend wrap up: Friday napped till 6ish, Diana and maddie came and picked me up, went to diana's, diana went to the rummel game, uhh eric picked me and maddie up and we went to some park in kenner, caitlin came, too cold, went to caitlin's pool house, maddie made mac n cheese, boyz left, drove to sonic, took pictures in the car on caitlin's mac, caitlin dropped me off, went to sleep. Saturday: work 2-close, oh oh oh yeah. On my break I bought a tshirt dress from rainbow that says GLAM OR US hahahha. Went home, slept sum mo'. Today picked maddie up, went to rue 21 work meeting thingy from 10-12, that was interesting, me and maddie walked to the new old navy and it sucks, me kimberley and maddie ate at applebee's, dropped clothes off at thrift store, then flea market (CHAIN SAW MASACARE STYLE), fer real though. I have so much homework, I need to tend to the cookies. I hope my mom brings me a shrimp poboy home from the fair. Forever the sickest kids CD that caitlin burned me is super, I keep listening to it, all my sisters are already tired of it. Just as an added ps I cannot stand not having the upperhand in relationships, once I know I don't have it I bounce. So don't worry, I'm long gone. I'm not gonna sweat it, I won't settle. NYC IN FEBURARY.

Clarissa didn't explain much.

Here we go again. Fuck not having the upperhand on situations, it's all too much for me to bare. I lfeel like a little kid all over again, talked down to bare essentials. If you only knew, but you probably won't. Seduction leads to destruction. I need to pull myself together, you can't get to me.

Eyes on the prize.

Breathe in, breathe out. Baby steps Madison, baby steps. You do have a conscience and it's been calling, you just need to pick up. Your independence is at stake, don't let it slip away. Change is going to happen, you don't have to love it but at least put your best (big) foot forward and accept all the challenges calling your name. You can't please everyone, stop trying to. Vulnerability isn't a curse as you initially percieved it as, it's a blessing in disguise. Address the little problems before they blow up right in your face. Stop seeing the cup as half empty. Stop slacking, you have all this potential, it's a shame to let it go to waste. Thus far, your life is one missed oppritunity after the other, procrastination is your enemy. But most of all, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

*I needed to have this conversation, with myself (We've seemed to be out of touch with one another lately).

Time waits for no one, my friend..