The countdown to the rest of our lives began today.

An homage to my official last 'first' day of highschool. It's wrapped, done. We got our senior sweaters before leaving school today and they are very reminicent of throwback 50s pink ladies sweaters, only powder blue with pink writing. I feel a wierd and deranged void in the pit of my stomach today. I feel like something is missing, a big something. I'm nervous and on edge. Thank God I'm single because if I'm this much of a wreck single you can bet a relationship would mug me of every last ounce of sanity I have left. One last food for thought, I may be anti romance but even the most cyinical of bitches should be allowed some happiness for a second or so, right?

Take me back to the age of innocence.

I'm still breathing that has to count for something, right? As the score stands world - 1, me - 0. I can't win, I can't fathom, I can't, I can't. What can I do exactly. Peddaling in a constant state of backwardness. If that's even a fucking word. I don't even recognize myself lately. Clad head to toe in an attire which reaks of regret. I don't expect the world to reward my wrongdoings. Leverage would be wonderful. I spit game that I don't plan on ever justifying. Expired feelings and hurt pride. If I wrote my own biography I would paint myself as the victim or maybe the villan, I can't tell the two apart nowadays. I need to accept responsiblity and regain my knowledge of the world of the vulnerable.

You are living to die, I am dying to live.

In and out of my head. Criss crossing through conscience states of being. I can't sleep tonight. This is a deadly combination. Sometimes I wish I could wake up in a hospital bed. Do you think they would pump the life back into a girl like me? My spirit is awfully lonely. I think I was on the verge of sobbing a few minutes ago. It's honestly been months since i've cried. I like to keep my emotions padlocked. I need some one to throw me a line here.