Watching porn on mute while listening to good music. This would be a good porno if if had Ellie Goulding music in it.

True story.

I haven't needed to masturbate in a good while. This may sound pathetic at best but it's actually been refreshing. I was able to get off a substantial amount by get this... a guy for once. I've given my hand a much needed timeout. Best hookup of 2009 goes to the guy I was with the other night. Guys that are willing and wanting to please you and not think of themselves for once = A+++

Moderation vs. Temptation.

This little blog of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Let it shine, let is shine, let it... simmer down now. Coated crimson leaves gathering in Texas trees. Forging ahead with this path I chose for myself. I decided to move here. I decide what clothes I will wear. I decide how broke I want to be. It's a unique position to be in but i'll run with it. I've got the reigns this time around. All signs point to burdening myself with past mistakes.

Speaking of which I was wondering if it was possible for me to move the fuck on. Recycle your name, bury it deep underground with your personal belongings that i'm still hoarding. It's the one thing i'm not proud of, mentioning you in casual conversation. It's just a timed reminder of how far I have NOT come. Almost 3 years ago, give me a back memory bank. I need to stop comparing, stop romanticizing our brief stint as a "we". It was premature and young and unrealistic. I was a shy sophomore and you were a naive little boy. I suppose you are now a keepsake. A mystical being that once managed to make me laugh. And boy did you make made laugh. You said all the right things exactly on cue. If I would have known that I'd still care to this day I would've cut the cord from the getgo. See it's not that i'm afraid to say that only one boy has made me feel, okay well maybe it is. But i've got something you don't have and that's....... motivation. This is my farewell to my first skin.

When we first bared our bones.

Veilied in lonliness, naked,
my vulnerability relays itself for the crowd’s sick viewing pleasure.
My seeping wounds of virgin guilt are so naively displayed.
“What a measly attempt at forging ahead.” That’s what I said.
Salvage my soul, if you would.
I’m yearning for bittersweet serenity, that pinnacle of divine intervention.
All the while waiting for a buildup of sustainable stamina.
Stamina that will prop up my soul once more.
Decode this cryptic insanity mother time has bestowed upon us.
I’ll be waiting in the wings, fires a blazing.

Inspiration writing pt.II.

"What you don't understand you can make mean anything."

My mind. Punctured, tainted scarce.
Fleeting and whimsical.
Perpetual bliss spirals down my vertabrae, only to be outdone by wild winds of plague.
To be made up only to be torn down.
My mind is hidden and wired.
It takes offense and then succombs to the norm.
Much like a torpedo through the airwaves it will not be silenced.


Reading Chuck P’s ‘Diary’ really inspired me.

A little somethin, somethin'

I came into this not expecting much. Maybe a free ride. I never questioned your motives or wondered aimlessly about your whereabouts. I had given you something that I granted only a select few. I wrapped this something in ribbons and bows and stored it in my strawberry shortcake shoebox, along with other prized possessions. Sometimes i'd store empty cigarette boxes there but only sometimes. I took this something with me when we were together. I was going to invest in a vault or a safe box but the economy is going nowhere fast and I am without a job. Did I tell you I got fired? Well, that's besides the point. I'd allow this something to see the light, but only if the moment was of the essence or if there was a good movie playing on HBO. This something loved to watch 'Me and you and everyone we know', it loves Miranda July. So when you decided to relinquish all ties with me this something took offense. I tried to explain to this something that such is life and change is inevitable, (well at least that's what I heard). But this something was relentless and wouldn't give up. I called your phone because this something wanted to hear your voice one last time. You had one of those automated voicemail things, with the stupid 'you have reached 555-5555.' (I wouldn't put your number on the world wide web, i'm not that scorned). So this something started evaporating. And this something isn't something that typically evaporates, more often it just changes form. This something wanted me to tell you that it's no longer around. It decided to give birth to another something that I could use. And I get to use this baby something and transcend it, and share it with other human beings. Human beings that will cherish this something. This something is actually a virtue, well if it isn't it should be. This something has a street name, a more recongizable name if you will. This something is typically called "trust" and it can be lost in an instant if it's not handeled with the utmost care. You lost this something and it you can't get it back. Not even if you beg. Although what a treat that would be. A nice change of pace.

Honest to blog.

It's longevity that I lack.
I can't connect the dots.
Not to mention I can't be the the last off this sinking ship.
Not again.
I have a mind of my own but I lent it to someone.
I can't recall the name.
But I did leave a return address.
Worried sick, I'll take my guilt to go.
Hold the inquiries please.
I'm not always right but sometimes I am.
If you could accept that then we could finally move forward.
If only an inch or two.
These small steps, they do add up.
I'll tell mom you called.
And I'll tell sister that you'll write.
Sorry for being that shrinking violet.
Camoflauged in the background.
That tortured sould that ironically didn't endure much torture.
It's all for the autobiography she said.
But you can't fake true experiences.
That's what she's learning.
I'll make my bed and get out of your hair.
I'm sorry for stealing your money, your precious momentos.
I'm sorry for filling my air sacs with all that cigarette smoke.
I'm getting eaten alive by misqitos.
That has to count for something, right?
Right?
I know you are scared of me migrating so far away.
But i've never been so sure in my entire life.
My head is in the clouds and my feet are on the ground.
None of this was just in "spite" of you.
Let's make a pact.
Here and now.
I'll be the daugher, you be the father.
And with that the real journey begins...

Eternally yours, Madison Taylor Weigand.

Be your own best friend for God's sake!

Ya know if I took the time to count how many people should look in the mirror and recite this quote to themselves every single morning when they wake up I would have a wasted a large chunk of time.

"You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose." - Jo Courdert

Please do not lose yourselves.

This is a sad, sad situation.

I didn't think I had it in me to care as much as I have been lately. All of these turmoiled emotions are surfacing and bubbling through my veins, becoming entrapped there on the verge of exploding. I am a raging bitch, but the unexcusable kind. I'm sorry that my sarcasm has been getting in the way of forming a legitimate friendship with you. It's 4 years overdue now and time is quickly vanishing into thin air. I have made concrete memories with you and I hope you know I don't take them for granted. I keep mental notes all over my brain of all the one liners we've had and the crude/sexual conversations we have concoted. I have forgotton how to be a friend. I was robbed of the most solid friendship I had ever had this past year and my senses took the fall for me. I am slowly rebooting this system. The parts haven't all come back in, most of them are on back order. I don't like writing without wierd metaphors. I think you get them though, actually you of all people I know gets them. From one fucked up human being to another (and I mean that in the most sincere and loving way), I hope to give this a real go. We are lost souls but the time has come, my great friend.

sometimes we take chances

sometimes we take pills.......I want my tattoo now.

Summon the troops, it's war.

A woman whom i've spent 18 years of solid life admiring turns out to be nothing but a cookie cutter fake who can't own up to her own faults. There's always a little history to each of our skepticisms. Now I see why i'm so damaged in the relationship department. You are a robot, aiming to please everyone while inside your heart is hanging by a thread. I am dissapointed and that isn't even the half of it. I always believed in you and even knowing what I know now I still do. You can't do this to me though. You cannot unload a huge burden such as this and expect me to sew my lips shut and stifle my screams. Oh god how I pray that you'd just scream. I wish you'd do something to let us know that you aren't a prototype or a clone straight off the production line. Yet you insist on keeping your life neatly trimmed just so. No need to let people know that you are human.

HOLD THE PHONE.

Perez hilton is in new orleans. Pinch me. I am a tad bit obsessed and while it may be entirely pretentious and sad I make no apologies. I'd love to pick his brain just once and then i'm set.

An excerpt from my very own diary.

Not even a second over eighteen and already overcome with a sweeping sense of self doubt and down right regret.

So here's an open letter to a certain some one. I know you won't read it and that's perfectly fine. Better yet I prefer it that way. It just needs to be said and here's an outlet it put it out there and let "sleeping dogs lie" as my mother says.

Here goes nothin'
I think what scared me most about you is that you are so sure of yourself. You may not necessarily have everything figured out but you are making a conscience effort to try. (C-o-n-s-c-i-e-n-c-e. Yep I spelled it right I think but I've always had to think con and then add science to the end. I could never enter a spelling bee.) <--- Haha what is in parenthesis is not part of the letter. Anyway, you aren't binded by the same tired old routine and you question authority, never accpeting everything you see at face value. Which I have the utmost respect for. In short, you are the polar opposite of myself. You have passion and what I can only assume is love. You are just looking for a window of oppritunity to showcase both. On the other end of the spectrum my window was closed for buisness long ago. I build these fences and make sure I don't show an ounce of vulnerability in the process. It was all an act and you saw right through it. Hell you even called me out on it which caught me off guard yet impressed me nonetheless.

"I know plenty of girls like you" you shouted at me. I knew you had me figured out the moment you uttered those words. I wanted to put a stop to it before you exposed me as a sham. Bravo and well done on your part. You planned for the curtain call and consequently now want absolutely nothing to do with little old me. I conned my way into your world. I commend you for having the backbone that I have always ached for. It's one hundred percent true what they say you know, as I posted in a blog past; "If you don't know what you want you end up with a whole lot you don't." Thank you for putting the fire back underneath my ass. "Musicians" such as yourself must be the cureall for writer's block. I should make note of that for future reference. We could've had a cliched dead end romance that all the poets chirp about but we both know it was supposed to end this way. I hope this brings you any ounce of inspiration, not that you need it as much as I. I would've done more harm than good I hope you know. I can only pray that you remember me as the girl who came and went. A mere passerby along the way. I know you'll find someone who appreciates you, all of you. I'm not sure I would've ever reached that point.

I'm figuring myself out as the days turn into distant years. It's sure as hell not an easy journey but the fruits of my labor will hopefully pay off once i've earned my stay. Look at it this way, we can't wonder "what if". We gave it a semi fair shot and this is the unfortunate outcome. However a pain in the side I may have been I hope to have gained a surmountable well being through out this 2 month ordeal. (Don't quote me on that it could've been longer but as the song goes "my memory lacks initative"). I know the waves of friendship aren't being reciprocated but I'm "here" if that makes any sense to you. This is my peace with you. All of these twisted thoughts just poured into this open letter and they were begging to escape.

I never read any Chuck p. books but he is one hell of a person to quote that's for damn sure. I'll end on this wonderful note.

“Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We're just warming up.” -Chuck P.

Eighteen.

I always feel like something major should happen on my birthday. A monument being built, a massive plane crash, a celebrity death....

"If you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot you don't"

"Some people need a red carpet rolled out in front of them in order to walk forward into friendship. They can't see the tiny outstretched hands all around them, everywhere, like leaves on trees." - MJ

Speaking of, Miranda july's birthday was four days ago!

Stop writing prescriptions for more Ritalin.

I
can
focus
my
attention.

"When somebody asks me a question, I tell them the answer."

Slumdog millionaire absolutely took my breath away. Straight away, whisk out with it. I couldn't be more in love with a story line. It should win the oscar, fuck Brad pitt's good looks and equally good acting talent. I'm sorry but it fails in comparison. It was the kind of movie that challenges you to get your fucking act together or die trying. You see the gut wrenchingly poor slums of India and you say what do I really have to complain about ever? It makes your brain flip flop and buzz trying to comprehend the gruesome living situations. All in all it without a doubt lives up to it's award season buzz. (And then some.)
It doesn't hurt that Dev Patel is ilegally handsome and Frieda Pinto is stunning.

I am sitting on my sister's bed as I customarily do whenever she sleeps out and I am watching the sex and the city DVD that I bought my mom for Christmas. I've seen almost all of these episodes but I'm watching one in particular that's entitled "Ex and the city". In the middle of the episode the girls are having a lunch and they are talking about whether or not girls should be friends with their ex's and then Miranda says this one quote that I loved when I first saw the episode a year ago and i'm just happy that i'm able to recall it. It will probably mean nothing to anyone but me and that's a-okay. It just fits. I can't exactly explain so don't make me.


Miranda: "Believe me, I would love to be one of those people who's all; we loved, thank you, you enriched my life, now go and prosper. But I'm much more; we didn't work out, you need to not exist."

Exactly, right on.

"What a terrible mistake to let go of something wonderful for something real."

Who's body is this that I have acquired? I don't recognize these fingertips. I need to do anything somewhat recognizable so I can seperate soul and body. My greatest fear is succombing to the norm. What is expected of me and what is expected of this body are two entirely different things. What if I can't insert my limited knowledge where need be. I wonder what I should do in the meantime, the kill time, the joyride. Like clockwork my brain is in constant rotation, always clicking at the most unsanitary of times. I realize none of these adjectives will connect for you and that's a risk I am willing to take for the sake of saving my own sanity. I never claimed to be elquent with words, nor grammer. A balancing act is just enough.

Sole mate, hat mate, it fits.

Hat Trick
By: Jennifer Michael Hecht

A woman howling, her baby's bunk somehow afloat in the river, taking on water. Help, shrieks the mother. Shriek, helps the baby, and a good man jumps into the river; splash and paddle. Grabs the kid, hands the damp bundle over. Thank God, cries the mother. She cradles her daughter, looks up at the man, says, Excuse me, but she had a hat.The child grows up to be a hat-check girl, always trying to get back what she'd lost,always having to return it all by the end of thenight. She is often sorrowful and ashamedfor being sorrowful, surrounded by warm coats, a stool to rest on while others,elsewhere, spend all day bending. Wincinganyway, she sharp regrets her bland missteps, laments her ill use and fatigue. It is awful: her feet hot with it, her head metal-cold.You think it's enough to just keep getting old? Can't I also have my hat?Roots squeeze this information toward their leaves: You can not also have your hat.After mother and child left, the man, loitering the scene of his heroicshappened upon the little girl's small cap.Picked it up off the bank, startled by the tinyscale of its protection, took it home, kept it for years, then lost track of it.It's been long seasons since he'd jump in the sea like a fin in response to a splash.To be so little thanked, so asked for more, flattened in him what he hoped he had to give.The mother grows less certain by degreesthat all that she had long awaitedhad any sense outside the confinesof her blazing expectations.The girl, fidgeting hairclip in cloak room, her own self set by his one leap and her many lurid resignations, braces waves of distress and lets down her tresses. All three rail
their separate saga, he having labored and netted so little; the elder she having
wanted so much from those around her and found she was not so much let downas wrong in her detailed attentions; the girlwrestling a dreadful shadow: the factsthat throw us in the water in the first placeruin us for much saving. She is aggrievedof it, feels disgraced by the triumph of pain. I want to comfort them, myself, my keen regret,but am at best a lemon tree, vivid fruitabundant among bleak green leaves. I will wait for ice and sugar to be invented, bees in the daytime, bats when it's done. I will wait in the sun. I hope for relief like a lunatic, indulge, like a drunk, in my croon. It is my intention to offer lemonade while there is time and so much brutal sunshine. Meanwhile, I can't do much, but gather the hero and the mother beneath my bower.
As for the girl, she's not a hat-checker, anymore, there's no such thing these
days. After an eon of servitude: menstopped wearing hats, so she was freeto wander away from the 21 Cluband under my branches. Isn't shebeautiful? Didn't she have a hat? To know, and arrange, and recover even that. I am ridiculous, but it is what is wanted.


I think it's just lovely, don't you?!

Matter over mind.

I feel like everyone is doing such a great job of living that i'd hate to intrude. Maybe I should just leave it to the professionals...

It's as if my vices are calling out for me.

And I'm sitting here crying. And I never cry. But tonight has been a wakeup call. And I think I can allow myself one full night of crying. But just this once.

"But, like ivy, we grow where there is room for us."

I'll write a much more detailed 2008 wrapup blog later because I have so much to say about the year that coudl've easily swallowed me whole in an instant. I also want to blog about my expectations for this wonderful new year and all of the massive changes that will soon be flowing from insane directions but since it's 12:45 on a school night I'm in the mood for something a bit more light hearted with a meaty undertone.

So instead I've opted to talk about my dream mate.

I saw the movie 'dedication' about 8 months ago and I always tell people about it. It's such an underrated movie because I'm pretty sure it went straight to dvd and it didn't get the credit it deserved. Billy Crudup delivers the most amazing performance. I'm pretty sure I melt everytime I watch him.

Maybe I am as fucking crazy as I've convinced myself that I am but this is hands down one of the greatest quotes I've heard in cinema. I want this man, the person who can came up with these thoughts, that person is who i'm going to be with, maybe not forever but for as long as allowed.

Henry: Okay, uh, before we can, uh... work effectively with one another, I think we should be comfortable. So, ten minutes, okay? Then - then work. Okay? Go. Okay, I'll start. Uh, I hate my mother. I hate my goddamn dead father more. Rudy was the only friend I ever had. I had a girlfriend once who I used to like to masturbate to more than have sex with. Carrots and snakes frighten me. Umm... I'm superstitious about the numbers...three, six, and seven.

Henry: I can only stir things counterclockwise, and I know that if I don't, something bad will happen. I take size eleven-and-a-half shoe. I don't have a favourite book. Umm... Oh... What's crucial? Oh, I don't drive or ride in cars. Statistically speaking, you have a 100% chance of being in an accident in your lifetime. They're death boxes. I give to Amnesty International on the off chance I'm ever imprisoned and tortured for my political beliefs. Paradoxically, I have no political beliefs. Umm... life is pain. Black kids are cuter than white ones. What's important? Uh... I didn't mean it when I compared you to our waitress. I was only trying to hurt you. I could've been meaner about your looks, and what I would've said would have made you cry. Umm... I have a towel I can't throw out 'cause it may have feelings. When I ejaculate, I go into deep depressions. Though by any standard you're a nice person, I deeply resent having to work with you. I love Japanese monster movies. Gamera, specifically.