The longer you think, the less you know what to do.

I was meandering down memory lane and stumbeled upon this written letter I wrote to my parents last August when they were on the verge of divorce. Cut to a year later and they are still together, and that fateful day in August seems quite exaggerated. It's funny how mother time plays mind tricks on us. This is the most private entry I've posted but I feel it will help the inevitable healing process. I remember standing in the living room reading this to my father, hands shaking and trembeling but eyes alert and focused. I can't recall a single tear though. It's this sole piece of writing that has influenced my current cyinical state of being in relationships. It's all a learning process, every single second. My parent's are incredible individuals with the most incredible worth ethic I have ever seen. No matter how I old I am, I credit all my future accomplishments and endevors to both of them. So here it is, and here I go.

"Sick game"
August 7th, 2007

As I am writing this fighting words are being shot back and forth from my parent's mouths like some sort of sick game. It's 12:30 PM and not one soul is asleep. I haven't been inspired to write in only God knows how long. The last time I actually sat down and wrote a thought provoking entry was back when I had sanity, oh some 3 1/2 months ago. I can't believe it has taken such a traumatic event such as a divorce to allow my brain to string together a sad excuse for a journal. Well you see, my parent's inability to maintain a healthy relationship has never been a secret to me or my sister's, it was mutually understood, (well for me anyway). This unhealthy relationship is the sole reason marriage is of no interest to me. Not now, not ever. I sit here in my mother's office in utter disbelief that it has gotten this far and that my father's breakdowns have become so routine now. My mom is the stoic one, showing little to no emotion in the time of crisis. My sister's are such troopers and I know they will succeed to no end. I don't want my sister's to reach the point that I have over time concluded to. I don't want them to think of marriage as a jail sentence or an ongoing battle. I want them to love life and not take anything for granted. I fear for me it's too late. I am a timebomb ready to combust. I think of love in such a cyinical point of view, rarely seeing any good that comes from it. I don't want to have this state of mind, I don't want to fear love, I want to embrace it. My parent's have instilled a fear in the very corner of our fragile hearts. We need to know that love can overcome all. I need to know love can overcome all.

*Cue the violins.

Spur of the moment.

Bigger, brighter, faster, stronger. I have a talent, that is I can stand on my own two feet. What's yours? I am itching for summer to smother me with it's warm, lingering embrace. Indpendence is a way of life if you want it to be. QLTY NOT QTY.

It pains me to type this.

Oh how I know you are e-a-t-i-n-g all of this up, the tables have turned and you carefully distributed their position. Flashback a year ago and you were the one lacking a backbone. I forget your existence sometimes, I almost convince myself you were a prolonged daydream that ended unfinished. I am not ashamed to applaud you for being stronger than I remembered. All of this time apart has done you justice. My soul shakes with emphasis around the stomach area. I am setting myself up for the biggest upset in little league history, I haven't made it to the big leagues yet, delegate me some spare time. Why is it that whenever I am in your presence I feel lost and flabbergasted. You'd think little old cyinicical me would've gained an ounce of knowledge from this experience. I caved and called you out, I made the first move, I can't seem to let the one good thing that happened to me go. I might not like you, maybe the idea of some one with your stature just seems to fit right now. I can't distinguish between the two. I might call you up soon, I need closure or whatever it's called.

Thanks for the kindness you bestowed on me this weekend. It was a great suprise seeing you again. I know my tongue couldn't spit out a single syllable your direction but put the blame on my brain, it couldn't string together anything witty enough.

On a less painful note, Caitlin and I experienced the most insane, chaotic, extreme, instense event this weekend. Clarity was blew my direction like a hurricane in the gulf. I love you Kimberley, you make sense of all the baggage I don't have enough cargo space for. Oh and andru, I've grown to love and cherish all of your quirky traits, you are truly a one of a fucking kind original human being. I cannot wait to visit you in orlando come summer.

This blog is freakishly long and for good reason, happy mother's day! I bought the Cab's new CD and it is poppy and delightful. I am determined to get very aquainted with all the bands playing on may 22nd, which will be the most amazing concert ever held. FTSK'S new CD 'underdog alma mater' is superb as well, hoorah!

tried to make you miss me but you wouldn't oblige
so I said, "get out
yeah, get the fuck out"
the whiskey on my breath started to fall from my eyes
just like a rain cloud
yeah, I'm a dark cloud
I never really ever meant to be
presenting myself so desperately
it's not the first time
and I should know better
if I thought it'd make you stay
I would chop off both your legs
but knowing you you'd find a way to keep on leaving
well don't leave cause all I want is you to just pretend to feel it
or I guess I don't

Read between the thick lines.

Everything is strategic and intetional. It's all mapped out in the back of my cerebellum. My eyelids flutter in anticipation as if waiting for their curtain call. I insert my two cents, but not into conversation. My head is perfectly balanced onto my knuckles, it's all planned. Sometimes I wish more people would notice this. I can't whistle because my tongue and my braces don't get along. I won't sacrifice these habits in exchange for healthier ones, it's too expected.

"You should really make your bed, it sets the tone for the day."

"How do you know what kind of tone I want to set." Smart people was deliciously intuitive and innovative. I loved all the on location shots and the unglmaorized cars/actors. It was great to see a movie that wasn't trying to be something it's not. Of course I am also partial to any work of Ellen Page. The movie tied together very nicely and I'll be sure to add it to my collection soon enough. On another note, my dad has been really adament about moving to Atlanta, GA. I say go for it, i'll be in college when they move anyway. Yet, he assures me if the move becomes official it will be far sooner than that. I've always welcomed a change of scenery but I don't think Atlanta would be what I've longed for. New york city and I'd be far more open to the idea. He claims there are just no more job oppritunitys in the area anymore. All I keep thinking of is the ticking clock in my head cueing me to put in my two weeks notice. Debbie's last day was yesterday and that was the final factor urging me to do so. Everyone around me has become so dependent on everyone else. I feel much like a fish out of water. I really don't think I'm the jealous type anymore. Nothing fazes me. Bought me and you and everyone we know thursday, watched it last night!

"I've long stopped since making people do things they do not want to do."
Aur voir!

If I only had a heart.

Kimya dawson you know me so well...

friendships would grow then i'd hit the road
making up excuses for why i had to leave
always been too scared and unprepared
to let anybody get too close to me

As oprah puts it I had an aha! moment today.

Nervous energy is selfish really. By simply being nervous you are asking for all attention to be aimed your direction. Think about it.

Current obsession for spring:


Heels and socks!

"We have a whole life to live together you fucker, but it can't start until you call."

New york style cheesecake was a fair trade to attending my junior prom. Despite everyone else's views I still think it'll be cool to one day look back and say "Yeah, I didn't attend my prom." You'll see how right I am someday, well maybe you won't because I'm betting you, who ever you are went to your prom. So like I said I had some cheesecake, family crawfish boil, and watched Me you and everyone we know all the way through. Miranda July is in short a genius and I want to go to Barnes and noble and buy her book "No one belongs here more than you." We are all lonely souls, our bones are quivering for warmth. I'm starting to question the word soul mate and my cyinicism becomes more epic everyday. I'm surrounded by "souls" yearning for a mate but they seem nowhere to be found. Earlier today I was tempted to scrub my kitchen floors with a toothbrush, only because it seemed fun in movies. I still wish my life had a soundtrack that followed me around. Different songs would cue for different moods, etc. Oh no, I really am growing odder everday. I don't want to get married, ever. Why is everyone so boring and why can't I accept that? No one says "cheers" and clinks glasses anymore. Society is straying from it's quirky concepts. What was the fucking purpose of this entry. I need a vacation.. Hey, remind me to take out the f bombs before I inform my mom about my blog. (One day I just might.)