Summon the troops, it's war.

A woman whom i've spent 18 years of solid life admiring turns out to be nothing but a cookie cutter fake who can't own up to her own faults. There's always a little history to each of our skepticisms. Now I see why i'm so damaged in the relationship department. You are a robot, aiming to please everyone while inside your heart is hanging by a thread. I am dissapointed and that isn't even the half of it. I always believed in you and even knowing what I know now I still do. You can't do this to me though. You cannot unload a huge burden such as this and expect me to sew my lips shut and stifle my screams. Oh god how I pray that you'd just scream. I wish you'd do something to let us know that you aren't a prototype or a clone straight off the production line. Yet you insist on keeping your life neatly trimmed just so. No need to let people know that you are human.

HOLD THE PHONE.

Perez hilton is in new orleans. Pinch me. I am a tad bit obsessed and while it may be entirely pretentious and sad I make no apologies. I'd love to pick his brain just once and then i'm set.

An excerpt from my very own diary.

Not even a second over eighteen and already overcome with a sweeping sense of self doubt and down right regret.

So here's an open letter to a certain some one. I know you won't read it and that's perfectly fine. Better yet I prefer it that way. It just needs to be said and here's an outlet it put it out there and let "sleeping dogs lie" as my mother says.

Here goes nothin'
I think what scared me most about you is that you are so sure of yourself. You may not necessarily have everything figured out but you are making a conscience effort to try. (C-o-n-s-c-i-e-n-c-e. Yep I spelled it right I think but I've always had to think con and then add science to the end. I could never enter a spelling bee.) <--- Haha what is in parenthesis is not part of the letter. Anyway, you aren't binded by the same tired old routine and you question authority, never accpeting everything you see at face value. Which I have the utmost respect for. In short, you are the polar opposite of myself. You have passion and what I can only assume is love. You are just looking for a window of oppritunity to showcase both. On the other end of the spectrum my window was closed for buisness long ago. I build these fences and make sure I don't show an ounce of vulnerability in the process. It was all an act and you saw right through it. Hell you even called me out on it which caught me off guard yet impressed me nonetheless.

"I know plenty of girls like you" you shouted at me. I knew you had me figured out the moment you uttered those words. I wanted to put a stop to it before you exposed me as a sham. Bravo and well done on your part. You planned for the curtain call and consequently now want absolutely nothing to do with little old me. I conned my way into your world. I commend you for having the backbone that I have always ached for. It's one hundred percent true what they say you know, as I posted in a blog past; "If you don't know what you want you end up with a whole lot you don't." Thank you for putting the fire back underneath my ass. "Musicians" such as yourself must be the cureall for writer's block. I should make note of that for future reference. We could've had a cliched dead end romance that all the poets chirp about but we both know it was supposed to end this way. I hope this brings you any ounce of inspiration, not that you need it as much as I. I would've done more harm than good I hope you know. I can only pray that you remember me as the girl who came and went. A mere passerby along the way. I know you'll find someone who appreciates you, all of you. I'm not sure I would've ever reached that point.

I'm figuring myself out as the days turn into distant years. It's sure as hell not an easy journey but the fruits of my labor will hopefully pay off once i've earned my stay. Look at it this way, we can't wonder "what if". We gave it a semi fair shot and this is the unfortunate outcome. However a pain in the side I may have been I hope to have gained a surmountable well being through out this 2 month ordeal. (Don't quote me on that it could've been longer but as the song goes "my memory lacks initative"). I know the waves of friendship aren't being reciprocated but I'm "here" if that makes any sense to you. This is my peace with you. All of these twisted thoughts just poured into this open letter and they were begging to escape.

I never read any Chuck p. books but he is one hell of a person to quote that's for damn sure. I'll end on this wonderful note.

“Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We're just warming up.” -Chuck P.

Eighteen.

I always feel like something major should happen on my birthday. A monument being built, a massive plane crash, a celebrity death....

"If you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot you don't"

"Some people need a red carpet rolled out in front of them in order to walk forward into friendship. They can't see the tiny outstretched hands all around them, everywhere, like leaves on trees." - MJ

Speaking of, Miranda july's birthday was four days ago!

Stop writing prescriptions for more Ritalin.

I
can
focus
my
attention.

"When somebody asks me a question, I tell them the answer."

Slumdog millionaire absolutely took my breath away. Straight away, whisk out with it. I couldn't be more in love with a story line. It should win the oscar, fuck Brad pitt's good looks and equally good acting talent. I'm sorry but it fails in comparison. It was the kind of movie that challenges you to get your fucking act together or die trying. You see the gut wrenchingly poor slums of India and you say what do I really have to complain about ever? It makes your brain flip flop and buzz trying to comprehend the gruesome living situations. All in all it without a doubt lives up to it's award season buzz. (And then some.)
It doesn't hurt that Dev Patel is ilegally handsome and Frieda Pinto is stunning.

I am sitting on my sister's bed as I customarily do whenever she sleeps out and I am watching the sex and the city DVD that I bought my mom for Christmas. I've seen almost all of these episodes but I'm watching one in particular that's entitled "Ex and the city". In the middle of the episode the girls are having a lunch and they are talking about whether or not girls should be friends with their ex's and then Miranda says this one quote that I loved when I first saw the episode a year ago and i'm just happy that i'm able to recall it. It will probably mean nothing to anyone but me and that's a-okay. It just fits. I can't exactly explain so don't make me.


Miranda: "Believe me, I would love to be one of those people who's all; we loved, thank you, you enriched my life, now go and prosper. But I'm much more; we didn't work out, you need to not exist."

Exactly, right on.

"What a terrible mistake to let go of something wonderful for something real."

Who's body is this that I have acquired? I don't recognize these fingertips. I need to do anything somewhat recognizable so I can seperate soul and body. My greatest fear is succombing to the norm. What is expected of me and what is expected of this body are two entirely different things. What if I can't insert my limited knowledge where need be. I wonder what I should do in the meantime, the kill time, the joyride. Like clockwork my brain is in constant rotation, always clicking at the most unsanitary of times. I realize none of these adjectives will connect for you and that's a risk I am willing to take for the sake of saving my own sanity. I never claimed to be elquent with words, nor grammer. A balancing act is just enough.