Watching porn on mute while listening to good music. This would be a good porno if if had Ellie Goulding music in it.

True story.

I haven't needed to masturbate in a good while. This may sound pathetic at best but it's actually been refreshing. I was able to get off a substantial amount by get this... a guy for once. I've given my hand a much needed timeout. Best hookup of 2009 goes to the guy I was with the other night. Guys that are willing and wanting to please you and not think of themselves for once = A+++

Moderation vs. Temptation.

This little blog of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Let it shine, let is shine, let it... simmer down now. Coated crimson leaves gathering in Texas trees. Forging ahead with this path I chose for myself. I decided to move here. I decide what clothes I will wear. I decide how broke I want to be. It's a unique position to be in but i'll run with it. I've got the reigns this time around. All signs point to burdening myself with past mistakes.

Speaking of which I was wondering if it was possible for me to move the fuck on. Recycle your name, bury it deep underground with your personal belongings that i'm still hoarding. It's the one thing i'm not proud of, mentioning you in casual conversation. It's just a timed reminder of how far I have NOT come. Almost 3 years ago, give me a back memory bank. I need to stop comparing, stop romanticizing our brief stint as a "we". It was premature and young and unrealistic. I was a shy sophomore and you were a naive little boy. I suppose you are now a keepsake. A mystical being that once managed to make me laugh. And boy did you make made laugh. You said all the right things exactly on cue. If I would have known that I'd still care to this day I would've cut the cord from the getgo. See it's not that i'm afraid to say that only one boy has made me feel, okay well maybe it is. But i've got something you don't have and that's....... motivation. This is my farewell to my first skin.

When we first bared our bones.

Veilied in lonliness, naked,
my vulnerability relays itself for the crowd’s sick viewing pleasure.
My seeping wounds of virgin guilt are so naively displayed.
“What a measly attempt at forging ahead.” That’s what I said.
Salvage my soul, if you would.
I’m yearning for bittersweet serenity, that pinnacle of divine intervention.
All the while waiting for a buildup of sustainable stamina.
Stamina that will prop up my soul once more.
Decode this cryptic insanity mother time has bestowed upon us.
I’ll be waiting in the wings, fires a blazing.

Inspiration writing pt.II.

"What you don't understand you can make mean anything."

My mind. Punctured, tainted scarce.
Fleeting and whimsical.
Perpetual bliss spirals down my vertabrae, only to be outdone by wild winds of plague.
To be made up only to be torn down.
My mind is hidden and wired.
It takes offense and then succombs to the norm.
Much like a torpedo through the airwaves it will not be silenced.


Reading Chuck P’s ‘Diary’ really inspired me.

A little somethin, somethin'

I came into this not expecting much. Maybe a free ride. I never questioned your motives or wondered aimlessly about your whereabouts. I had given you something that I granted only a select few. I wrapped this something in ribbons and bows and stored it in my strawberry shortcake shoebox, along with other prized possessions. Sometimes i'd store empty cigarette boxes there but only sometimes. I took this something with me when we were together. I was going to invest in a vault or a safe box but the economy is going nowhere fast and I am without a job. Did I tell you I got fired? Well, that's besides the point. I'd allow this something to see the light, but only if the moment was of the essence or if there was a good movie playing on HBO. This something loved to watch 'Me and you and everyone we know', it loves Miranda July. So when you decided to relinquish all ties with me this something took offense. I tried to explain to this something that such is life and change is inevitable, (well at least that's what I heard). But this something was relentless and wouldn't give up. I called your phone because this something wanted to hear your voice one last time. You had one of those automated voicemail things, with the stupid 'you have reached 555-5555.' (I wouldn't put your number on the world wide web, i'm not that scorned). So this something started evaporating. And this something isn't something that typically evaporates, more often it just changes form. This something wanted me to tell you that it's no longer around. It decided to give birth to another something that I could use. And I get to use this baby something and transcend it, and share it with other human beings. Human beings that will cherish this something. This something is actually a virtue, well if it isn't it should be. This something has a street name, a more recongizable name if you will. This something is typically called "trust" and it can be lost in an instant if it's not handeled with the utmost care. You lost this something and it you can't get it back. Not even if you beg. Although what a treat that would be. A nice change of pace.

Honest to blog.

It's longevity that I lack.
I can't connect the dots.
Not to mention I can't be the the last off this sinking ship.
Not again.
I have a mind of my own but I lent it to someone.
I can't recall the name.
But I did leave a return address.
Worried sick, I'll take my guilt to go.
Hold the inquiries please.
I'm not always right but sometimes I am.
If you could accept that then we could finally move forward.
If only an inch or two.
These small steps, they do add up.
I'll tell mom you called.
And I'll tell sister that you'll write.
Sorry for being that shrinking violet.
Camoflauged in the background.
That tortured sould that ironically didn't endure much torture.
It's all for the autobiography she said.
But you can't fake true experiences.
That's what she's learning.
I'll make my bed and get out of your hair.
I'm sorry for stealing your money, your precious momentos.
I'm sorry for filling my air sacs with all that cigarette smoke.
I'm getting eaten alive by misqitos.
That has to count for something, right?
Right?
I know you are scared of me migrating so far away.
But i've never been so sure in my entire life.
My head is in the clouds and my feet are on the ground.
None of this was just in "spite" of you.
Let's make a pact.
Here and now.
I'll be the daugher, you be the father.
And with that the real journey begins...

Eternally yours, Madison Taylor Weigand.

Be your own best friend for God's sake!

Ya know if I took the time to count how many people should look in the mirror and recite this quote to themselves every single morning when they wake up I would have a wasted a large chunk of time.

"You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose." - Jo Courdert

Please do not lose yourselves.