I woke up 19 in Texas.

I haven't been inspired in quite a while and my creativity comes and goes like a wildfire in California. I care too much. You care too little. I can't wait to move out of this sleepy town. No progression taking place. I get anxiety when I spend money because I'm money hungry, feed me. Plus I'd be more interested if you were already spoken for. In all fairness when do good things start happening for me like they used to? Today's wisecrack is tomorrow's heart attack..

Naked? At a time like this?

I had sex today. Post-war sex. It was very strange. I guess that is putting it lightly. It was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. It was very contrived, weird, and other adjectives you hope to never use when describing the activity at hand. I don't know, maybe i'm numb, my hormones out of whack. It makes sense in retrospect. I really want to listen to old fall out boy but one of my neighbors friends is outside on his porch and he's quite cute. Don't wanna damage my impeccable rep for good music. Anyway, I've settled on Say anything. Okay back to what is currently weighing on my mind. Ah, sex. Waited longer than all of my peers, dived in head first. I never came up for air. It's too much. I don't want it. I want my innocence back tied in a bright red bow. They can have it all. My stories, my memory. I don't give a fuck about curiosity now that i've seen the far less greener grass on the other side. Curiosity did kill the cat after all. Meow?

Endless, repetitive. Falsehoods. I keep turning this music higher to drown out their vocal chords. I am a corpse typing. The motions derived from puppeteer's hands.

Xray

We get these intense and liberating spur of the moment feelings that we are invincible. We are the select few that will go out in style and make a name for ourselves. We come and go. We sit and ponder. We wilt and we die a little bit for the sake of living. We unleash our inner demons on each other. We play good cop, bad cop with our loved ones. We make mistakes but take them back. We learn the hard way, not the smart way. We choose the road less traveled, (or at least we like to think so). We make master plans. We can’t wait to get out and leave these tattered roads behind us. We get drunk, fuck up, and repeat. We promised we’d never do these things. We promised we’d always be intertwined. We always said we have time on our side. Distance is the only oncoming enemy. We fondle, hook up, and look back on all the guys along the way. Don’t you get it? We ARE invincible. No one can stop us. Just like our favorite songs said. Let’s salvage what’s left and scream while our lungs still produce oxygen. I’ve got your hand, if you’ve got mine.

Old rays.

I’m scared as all hell baby. I wish I could mesh all of my loved ones together, spiral them into my soul, and carry them in my veins with me everywhere I go. You have all made an impact on me. Whether it be good or bad an impact was made. And I think that’s great. I am growing in front of your very eyes. I’m learning how to make eye contact, i’m perfecting my stance. Let’s keep this going. I like this right here. This comfort known as home. This place i’ve nestled and nurtured for so many years now. You sheltered me from the unknown and exposed me to a world I could have never found on my own. Thank you from the bottom of my wrecked heart. I want to swim in your spine and collect memories in this glass jar. Allow me to, please?

I feel bad because sometimes well lets just say i’m way too cautiously pessimistic when my cousin goes out on dates. I’m pretty sure she thinks i’m pissed off because I’m spending a Friday night alone eating Chinese takeout and watching Icarly but that is simply not so. That’s pretty much a great evening in my book. It’s just that I watch her get ready, pace the apartment, clean like an obsessive compulsive and fiddle with her dress. Her knees shaky and her eye on the clock. She’s had a pretty rough go at the dating scene. She’s always leagues ahead of the douche ass dudes she dates. It’s almost infuriating, i’m like a momma cub being far too overprotective. I just want the best for her, God knows she deserves it.

Overdose, mental hospital, and more numbing tragedies compiling in life's glove compartment. Amidst the bills and colored kid drawings. These are the crosses I have to bear. Nosy highschool friends call and give me their rehearsed opinions. Understandbly they might be right. Maybe they should worry even if half halfheartedly. Maybe i'm in self destruct mode. Maybe I am doomed. Toxic tales coming out of the woodwork. Family in their defining moments, showing true colors. Colors soaked in formaldehyde. It's a lot for one girl to take on. I will walk the line, I will carry my head high. I'll keep trying to cross the finish line, maybe I might see some of you there.

I don't ever wonder what he's doing. Or wonder how he feels on certain hot topic issues. I don't care what his favorite color is. Or inquire about his mother's condition. I don't want to hear about how miserable he is. Even how we met was off. A run in that bitterly turned into the burning of a sacrificial lamb. I don't really quite know if my heart has room for two. I think there's a feelings button missing from my wiring. A wicked cricket for a conscience. It makes sense to want some one else's skin touching yours. It makes sense to hate sleeping in a queen size bed all alone. It's a burning sensation, no one is immune to it. But succumbing to mediocre company however does not. Skin on skin can become simply so. It can become comfortable and safe. A safe bet, yeah that. Being alone could truly save some girls souls.