visit,

I wish you were there for those visiting hours. Every single fucking day. Minus Tuesday's, no one is allowed on Tuesday's.

"This kitty never fails - my pussy's tough as nails."

So my ex-boyfriend just told me his mom died on facebook chat. What do you even say to that? No emoticon is going to make him feel better. I don't know what the fuck to say. I've been trying to give one word answers because knowing me i'd say something insensitive, not on purpose of course but I'm just really awkward when the topic of death is on the table.

Fuck I wish I was a dude. Dudes don't talk to other dudes about death. They don't share feelings. But no I have lady parts and lady emotions.

But then the conversation turned around. He was telling me about last night and how when he found out he left the bar and was pretty drunk (DRUNK DRIVING IS NOT OKAY) and he started driving over to my old apartment, he pulled in the complex and then realized he was drunk and that I had moved 9 1/2 hours away and we had broken up. And he laughed about it. Which gave me leeway to laugh about it as well. And laughter is something I can deal with, laughter is good. And then I highfived myself because being on good terms with an ex is pretty fucking cool sometimes.

And then after the laughter subsided and I thought hey this conversation is cool, I'm glad it turned around into something positive he said, "oh yeah and fuck you." And I didn't even bat an eye. His mom did just die after all. We can be friends another day.

Downloaded what I like to call "feel like a bad ass" music.

My neighbor and her male friend are currently fighting in the background. I type as they bicker. I can't quite make out what they are saying. I'll go with infidelity on his part.

Me, I'm outside on my porch chain-smoking, nervous. Tomorrow I have to make a major phone call to my father. My angry 90% of the time father. I'll have to tell him about my money troubles, my misfortunes. Another one of my fuck ups to put in the insufferable daughter hall of fame. Eldest of 3 girls, I'm the one him and my mother worry about the most. I see error in my ways. I see a selfish person in the mirror sometimes. I don't think I am avoiding many of life's hiccups. But I do see that fucking up is getting old.

Fucking up, fucking fuck. I like the call this stage of my life the "see how many shitty things happen to you and see if you make it out on top" time.

I am changing this, it's long overdue.

Black out. Wake up. Repeat. Self medicate. Self diagnosis. Enhance our looks, the hooks of all our favorite songs. Sung at our top vocal octaves. On top of our little world. This reclusive little town. Sleep some, sleep some more. Rent is due. I'm broke. No new job prospects on the horizon. Mom wants to "talk". Good, great. I know i've got a good head on my shoulders but what if said shoulders concur. What if they cave in and leave me helpless. I won't have a lifeline. I won't have a fallback plan. Then, I will be treading these waters with nothing to show for it. I'd hate to look like scum. Let's backtrack here, let's reverse the car and speed through the red lights. We can get all the speeding tickets in the world but at least we'd be honest. We'd be great. We'd be wonderful. And that's all that really matters in this world. Or so I'd like to think. So please, please just let me think.

We are making out with boys we are simply uninterested in. Causalities, mirages, glimmering opportunities. Opportunities, just simply so. Kaleidoscope medleys. Convenience, convenience, convenience. It's always fucking about convenience. Ignoring our wants, succumbing to our acceptability. Much better than average. Much better than just so. It's all warped, this way of living. Let's raise the stakes. Let's take advantage of the fact that we are young. Young and in control of our destiny. Turn this boat around I want out.

"Its a shame, i have the perfect shoulder for the perfect bag to hold all sorts of wonderful books, just so i could brag about my knowledge and get those intriguing looks. and if i read more i could probably muster up some better hooks but like i said. its a shame. " -Shaant

I woke up 19 in Texas.

I haven't been inspired in quite a while and my creativity comes and goes like a wildfire in California. I care too much. You care too little. I can't wait to move out of this sleepy town. No progression taking place. I get anxiety when I spend money because I'm money hungry, feed me. Plus I'd be more interested if you were already spoken for. In all fairness when do good things start happening for me like they used to? Today's wisecrack is tomorrow's heart attack..