Downloaded what I like to call "feel like a bad ass" music.

My neighbor and her male friend are currently fighting in the background. I type as they bicker. I can't quite make out what they are saying. I'll go with infidelity on his part.

Me, I'm outside on my porch chain-smoking, nervous. Tomorrow I have to make a major phone call to my father. My angry 90% of the time father. I'll have to tell him about my money troubles, my misfortunes. Another one of my fuck ups to put in the insufferable daughter hall of fame. Eldest of 3 girls, I'm the one him and my mother worry about the most. I see error in my ways. I see a selfish person in the mirror sometimes. I don't think I am avoiding many of life's hiccups. But I do see that fucking up is getting old.

Fucking up, fucking fuck. I like the call this stage of my life the "see how many shitty things happen to you and see if you make it out on top" time.

I am changing this, it's long overdue.