New year, bring it on.

Wow, come tommorrow night 2007 will come to a close. So much has happened this year, an equal balance of both good and bad. To sum it up, had my first "serious" (HA) relationship, got arrested, saw a counselor and a phsychatrist, threat of a divorce, dad moved out for a couple months, friendships tested, friendships ended, hookups, etc etc. I really can't wait for 2008, I have a really great feeling about this year. This is my time. I'm ready for everything that will be thrown my way and hopefully along the way i'll meet a cute boy or two or three. I'm happy overall. Here's to topping 07'!

Tick tock your not a clock.

Wind chimes are dancing together in sounds of bliss outside my window which is cracked open just enough to invite their sounds in. I'm at peace with my surroundings and most of all myself. It's 2:30AM and it may come as no suprise but pure insomnia has devoured most of my body by now. I drank a 24oz. rockstar thermus can about 2 hours ago. I do all my best thinking in the wee hours of the morning anyway. The wind is just cold enough to drop subtle reminders that Christmas is only 9 days away. I keep forgetting. I wish Juno would play in new orleans already, or in louisiana at all. I want to see it terribly. Sweeny todd also. I'm such a movie buff. My grandmaw came in at 9 tonight, and i'm irrestibly excited. It's been a good 3 1/2 - 4 years since her last visit. She is my sole inspiration, I never would've had an inkling how much I truly love to write if it weren't for her persistance. She's undoubtably the most beautiful and talented woman i've ever met. Every word that comes out of her mouth is carefully selected and elequontly delivered. She has a grace about her that I wish to one day be able to emulate and her creativity knows no limits. I could rave on and on about her and not run out of things to say. The fact of the matter is I am overjoyed she is here.

this too shall pass.

Missin' wrting in here. So much has been happening lately. My fortune cookies have been right 9 out of 10 times. It's sad that I put so much faith into a silly little printed out fortune. Last saturday was chapelle winterformal. My best friend B. was my date. Went to dinner at Bravo's with people, then the dance, which was fucking lame. Afterwards we went to a party for a bit, fun. Lakefront, funnnnnnner. Cute boys a plenty. Major dissapointment happening with B., we were best friends for 2 1/2 years or something and saturday night I lost all respect for him. I'm not gonna sweat it, too much effort. I had a crush for a minute or two. Got to kirstin's, passed out, work in the morning, uhhh got in a lotta trouble. Yeah you know how we do. It was a refreshing change for my homebody self.

PS GUESS WHO GOT A FUCKING RAISE?!?!?!? YES, AFTER 6 1/2 MONTHS OF WORKING AT RUE 21 MY BOSS ACUTALLY TOOK NOTICE.

Wear your heart on your sleve please.

My weekend was quite terrible and sad. Babysitting really takes a toll, especially on my one day off of work, fuck! I saw enchanted today or well it's now 1AM so yesterday. It was as cheesy and overdone as I expected out of a disney movie but it was suprisingly funny. It's a family movie, I prefer movies that are vulguar like Superbad, (which comes out on DVD tues). Tuesday is also mary's birthday, I got her present(s) already. Winterformal will be interesting. I'm taking Brendan, so that will be fun. Andrew promised to do extentions in my hair for winterformal, so that's exciting. I'm not going to school tommorrow because I have to go to the counselor at 10AM on the westbank. Probation is kicking my ass, I want to get this over and done with. I have passed every single drug test dished my direction with flying colors therefore I don't see the need to drag this process on any longer.. such nonsense. I actually want to go to school tommorrow? I got a letter saying I've already missed 8 1/4 days of school and that if i miss ten I fail the course. I haven't informed my mom about the quite yet but I'm trying to ease my way into that. School is killing me, i'm so behind already. Metro station/Cobra Starship are coming ot the HOB on Feb 24th, (3 days before my birthday)!!!!!! Uh I'm fucking pumped, so is caitlin, the metrostation CD is amazing to say the least and Gabe Suporta is a god. Maddie said she'd buy me a ticket as a birthday present, yes yes yes!

I'm happy and all that jazz therefore chow!
Wish me luck on my dress hunt tommorrow at the mall, hopefully it's successful!

Doves and uppercuts.

Now more than ever I need a drastic change of scenery. I want my dad to apply for an out of state position, so I can start somewhere fresh. Everything is so routine and dull, I'm always working and I've lost contact with the people I actually cared for. I've always shunned the thought of leaving my beloved city but I'm much more open to the possibility now. Gimme gimme more.. I'd like to meet more people with enthusiasm for life and loyalty. I'm unhappy but don't feel bad for me it's of my own doing. I'll talk to my dad about this, maybe he can cheer me up and offer some alternatives. Do what ya do..

I'll trample my pride?

The only thing i'm somewhat good at is pushing and not pushing a shopping cart or a door open, pushing people away, important people at that. I like to push it gives me the feeling of authority or supremecy, it gives me the power i crave. I'm a control freak and need to have the upperhand in every relationship. It's not like i'm bragging, i'd like to give my great pushing ability to anyone willing but it doesn't seem to want to let up. I'm sorry mum and dad that you've raised such an analytical, cyincial daughter. I can't let anyone in, my box is caving in. These boundries are defining themselves. He was right, so right. 4am wakeup call is beckoning, thanksgiving sales don't wait for no one!

My memory is cruel
Im queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn i'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only i had been listening
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me

I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So i've learned to listen through silence
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me i'm almost ready
When he meant let go
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines

Bitter, maybe

I love writing, I really do but I do it because of that sole fact, not so it can judged and possibly win some prize money, although an extra $1000 dollars in my pocket wouldn't be so bad. Melancholy, oh melancholy why? Some one buy me election on DVD. I hope i'm not revealing too much..

Like a car crash I can see but just can't seem to avoid.

Oh my, I just about cried out every emotion stored in the crevices of my inner being, grey's anatomy does that to me. Chest pains. Major chest pains. Left side. Is that where the heart's at? Hiccups after meals... The numb left arm... The works. I have so much hostility built up I need to take these thanksgiving holidays to get to know me. Madison Taylor Weigand, the girl I used to be quite good friends with, I miss her. "Make it work."

The world has lost it's shine.

Roberto cavalli for H&M makes me go weak in the knees. I'm amazing thus far. I'm happier and carefree, it's the way to be. I'm lying down the foundation for the rest of my life. Happy, happy, joy, joy. Taking everything in stride. I hope Maddie doesn't have turburchulosis. Worry, worry, sad, sad.

Cosa Nostra!

Just made chocolate chip cookies for courtney's birthday, which is tommorrow and they smell so good I want them all. Weekend wrap up: Friday napped till 6ish, Diana and maddie came and picked me up, went to diana's, diana went to the rummel game, uhh eric picked me and maddie up and we went to some park in kenner, caitlin came, too cold, went to caitlin's pool house, maddie made mac n cheese, boyz left, drove to sonic, took pictures in the car on caitlin's mac, caitlin dropped me off, went to sleep. Saturday: work 2-close, oh oh oh yeah. On my break I bought a tshirt dress from rainbow that says GLAM OR US hahahha. Went home, slept sum mo'. Today picked maddie up, went to rue 21 work meeting thingy from 10-12, that was interesting, me and maddie walked to the new old navy and it sucks, me kimberley and maddie ate at applebee's, dropped clothes off at thrift store, then flea market (CHAIN SAW MASACARE STYLE), fer real though. I have so much homework, I need to tend to the cookies. I hope my mom brings me a shrimp poboy home from the fair. Forever the sickest kids CD that caitlin burned me is super, I keep listening to it, all my sisters are already tired of it. Just as an added ps I cannot stand not having the upperhand in relationships, once I know I don't have it I bounce. So don't worry, I'm long gone. I'm not gonna sweat it, I won't settle. NYC IN FEBURARY.

Clarissa didn't explain much.

Here we go again. Fuck not having the upperhand on situations, it's all too much for me to bare. I lfeel like a little kid all over again, talked down to bare essentials. If you only knew, but you probably won't. Seduction leads to destruction. I need to pull myself together, you can't get to me.

Eyes on the prize.

Breathe in, breathe out. Baby steps Madison, baby steps. You do have a conscience and it's been calling, you just need to pick up. Your independence is at stake, don't let it slip away. Change is going to happen, you don't have to love it but at least put your best (big) foot forward and accept all the challenges calling your name. You can't please everyone, stop trying to. Vulnerability isn't a curse as you initially percieved it as, it's a blessing in disguise. Address the little problems before they blow up right in your face. Stop seeing the cup as half empty. Stop slacking, you have all this potential, it's a shame to let it go to waste. Thus far, your life is one missed oppritunity after the other, procrastination is your enemy. But most of all, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

*I needed to have this conversation, with myself (We've seemed to be out of touch with one another lately).

Time waits for no one, my friend..

It's either shun or be shunned.

Uhh I work tommorrow, yes on halloween, c'mon boast to me some more about how much that truely sucks. Seriously rue21 would remain open even if a tornado was knocking on it's door, threatening us all. Also, it's against company policy to dress up for the holiday.. so a double low blow. Today was randomly eventful.. ate homemade chinese food and embarked on some misc. shopping. Went to party city first to buy some last touches for Mary and Kelsey's cat costumes. Then, we went to target so i could finally buy the new cobra starship CD that i've been yearning to buy. Target is full of cute clothes.. it hurts to even look. Went to the book section, browsed for a bit, my mom bought me the post secret book. I bought this book:



Read the first 4 chapters thus far, it's amazing, honestly. It's such a breathe of fresh air from the mondane, the oridinary. I'd like to meet the author and give her a huge hug and a handwritten letter of admiration, so inspiring. She's a teacher at my dream college, nyu, pretty fucking cool.

Any how, then we went to krispy kreme, i was craving doughnuts so bad, tyler, kelsey's brother works there now, hahahaha. Bought doughnuts and came home. I've been reading since i've gotten home. Avery called me, we talked for a good bit while she was on break at work, i miss her so much. We're planning to hang friday because we are both off, killer. I really love unexpected phone calls.

I'm reflecting on my life and it's been one missed oppritunity after the other, i'm getting fed up. I need to stop talking about changing and actually do it. I need to better myself. I need to prepare for my future.

"I know i'm like a machine, but I still have dreams. And I know one day we will sleep for days."

Hooks can be deceiving..

Weekend wrap up. Friday went to the movies, viewed saw four, goriest saw thus far, twas great. Got munchies, maddie got to drive again!~ Listened to some PANIC FER SHER!!! Uhh, went home, watched the travel channel oh and the house of shock was ranked the scariest haunted house in the united states.. so un fucking true. Saturday woke up at 8AM, got voodoofied, saw s0me kewl peoplez, stayed at voodoo the entire day long, left before smashing pumpkins, good. So dirty, so so dirty and more exhausted than ever before. Didn't eat at wendy's, got dropped off, went straight to sleep. Oh yaaaaa. Sunday, maddie got punished. Didn't want to waste my voodoo ticket, wanted to see my future baby daddy, therefore went anyway. Yeowww, cute didn't play, fuckig laryngitis shaant??!?! Watched plainwhitet's, sang along, watched red jumpsuit, fucking sucked, my dislike of them greatly increased.. Went to the other stage, got pretty close to watch gymclass, travie twas charming and adorable etc etc, uhh bought a gymclass shirt from the merch table, left early, came home, slept a bit uh huh. Voodoo was pretty lovely. Everything is spelled wrong and i don't care, bye now.

Gotta get back to the money

Today was superb, marvelous, amazing. The weather was the main contributor to that. No school, sake, esplanade mall, levee, world market. I love life, life loves me, let's take another trip to disneyland.

On a high, On a high there's nothing more to it.

Setting the record straight(er). The worst is over, we can all breathe soundly now. The make up was sweeter than expected. Fighting with my bestfriend caused such a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, especially because the whole fight was started by pure stubborness and immaturity on my part. I really thought i'd grown up, boy was i wrong. I wasted a whole weekend being bitter, over what? I couldn't even tell you. I have so much soul searching to do. Voodoo is this fucking weekend, even though i am ticketless currently i am excited none the less. I'm broadning these horizons of mine, i'm trying to be the "change i want to see in the world." Why have i been oozing cheesiness lately? I'm buying new cobra wednesday, so pumped. I love you world, thanks for always proving me wrong.

Putting the blame while taking names.

Conquered the house of shock two nights in a row this weekend. Friday started off with sake with maddie, making fun of a girl that looked like a familiar girl, rue21 visit, vampire greetings to customers thanks to maddie. Friday night house of shock with maddie, kimberly, and bert. Chickened out, chickened in. There is far too much hype concerning the house of shock, it's not that great. I was scared for about 20 seconds. It's 30 minutes long and costs 18 fucking dollars, waste waste. I can't afford to waste any more. Friday night (upon arriving home) was in short, hell. Saturday, 9Am wake up call, worked from 10AM till 4PM. Attempted to state my peace, peace was short lived I presume. Walked around the elmwood strip with the rest of the weigand clan. House of shock with my mother, mom screamed the whole time. Came home (was supposed to hang out with miranda and avery, fuck) decided to stay home and watch knocked up with my mom. Went to sleep, boring boring. Today pumpkin carving party at my house, could only attend for an hour or so, work from 12 to 7pm, worked to the bone, did all of andrew's work for him. Me and kimberly are planning a trip to nyc. Came home, victoria in a wedding dress. Miranda called, out of the loop on confirmation meeting, skipped that unintentionally. Had a pretty boring, collective, soul searching weekend to say the least. Pretty emotional as well. I have all the support i need. I refuse to go out of my way to make nice with everyone. I'm sick of alway doing the apologizing. I'm quite happy with myself for once. So much studying left to do. I'll add more later perhaps.

Keep it simple now.

New cobra starship CD out next tuesday, i'm super psyched about that. Gabe suporta is a god in my eyes. Mainly because his shoes are so damn killer. Talked to more old friends today, i still in fact do miss you! I know i have an odd way of showing it.. give me time ill come around like i always do.

I know this is belated but I love you back.

I'm gaining back relationships i thought had gone to hell. Old friendships still mean as much if not more to me than the new ones. I'll never forget any of you. I'm glad i'm taking steps to get back in touch with some of you. I skipped school today, monday routine? Slept all day, i'm useless. I'm starting to think that my awkwardness is becoming more like a disease than anything else. My shyness is to the point of being crippeling, pretty soon i'll need a wheelchair or a translator to speak for me. So maybe that is a tad over dramatic but i'm just trying to get my point across. Some one help me be who i used to be. Some one help me to be able to speak with out running out of things to say. SOMEONE HELP ME BE MORE OUTGOING. I'm a pessimist no doubt. My optimistic days are long gone. Also, my jealousy while being on the DL for many eats away at me inside. I'm a closeted jealous lunatic. I need to overcome both of these problems in order to maintain a somewhat healthy lifestyle. I'm working on it, progress in time my friend. I'll end on a good note and say second chances can be granted, if they are wanted badly enough. Some one go to the fucking mall with me!

Keep your fingers crossed.

I believe that sometimes it's okay to "kill the messenger", metophorically speaking of course. This weekend was one huge twighlight zone episode stretching through 3 days time. Friday was no doubt the longest, prolonged day of my life. It consisted mostly of caitlin driving all over. Got out of school at 10:40, aced all my exams, went home, maddie begged me to come over so i obliged, but first my mom took me to walgreens to buy polaroid film, got to maddie's, the 30 dollar film i bought didnt fucking work for the type of camera i have, caitlin came over to maddie's, went to lafrienere park, went to sonic, mom called telling me to get home immediatly, caitlin dropped me off, cried, got punished, cried some more, laughed from crying so much, changed, caitlin and maddie came to pick me back up, went to queerview, twas gay so we went to the stmatthew fair with others, even lamer, chilled at walgreens?, bought more film (actually worked), went to numerous random houses, burger king, levee, caitlin's pool house, people came over, people left, phone call made, back to levee to meet more people, ihop with a drunkerd, caitlin, maddie, eric and nick, eric's house, left, 330 AM by this time, went back to caitlin's, collapsed in her amazing bed, woke up at 8AM, slept till 4, went to work, blah blah blah, new guy at work, came home, collapsed on bed, woke up today and my mom was sick so we watched tv all day, did nothing of interest, the end. back to being punished, back to loving that ja rule is making a comeback, i have a crush for the first time in 4 months, hahaahah. bye

You skin was appealing wallpaper.

Tonight i'll be a classic like edgar allen poe. I'm overflowing with stress. I bought an olive oil based hair lotion today and all it did was make my hair greasier. School was good, i aced the exams i took today fer sher. My grades suck more than yours and instead of aiming to improve them i sit here and type this meaningless blog that no one will read. I'm buying film for my polaroid camera tommorrow and possibly hitting up the house of shock. I'm kinda tired, might need to brew a fresh pot of cofffee, this will be an all nighter. This whole blog is grammer mistake ridden.

Hey paramore was on TRL today, their blood is officially mainstreamed. That dissapoints me but this video they premiered today did not. I love hayley still.

http://www.mtv.com/overdrive/?id=1518071&vid=180851

We're in like sin.

Jealousy's the cousin of greed, greed is the cousin of wrath. Wrath and impatience are brother and sister, one big dysfunctional happy family i'm somehow apart of. I'm a loner at best. Maybe in an hour i'll change my mind. I haven't been inspired in quite a while and my creativity comes and goes like a wildfire in California. I care too much. You care too little. I can't wait to move out of this sleepy town. I need to become more social, I miss my old friends. No progression taking place. As I spontaneously feel the urge to add more to this the length will most likely keep increasing. I get anxiety when I spend money cus' i'm money hungry, feed me. I'm just being my usual cinical? ,(if thats how you spell it) self. Plus i'd be more interested if you were already spoken for. "I must belong somewhere" is sort of my anthem for life? In all fairness when do good things start happening for me like the used to? Then again if everything was good i'd have nothing to complain about in here. Todays wisecrack is tommorrow's heartattack.. You me and everyone we know is a new favorite band of mine. They have such rich and fufilling lyrics, go download, listen, acquaint yourself with their upbeat and mellow sound, whatever. I've been into so many UK bands lately. The UK has such a great music scene. I bought Metro station's new CD off ebay for 3 dollars or some price equally amazing. I also bought The dangerous summer's new ep for a cool 99cents off ebay too. With that I'm off to do what i do best, absolutely fucking nothing.

The end.

Intolerable cruelity at it's best.

I'm the most anti social human being on planet earth. I kind of sorta hate people and all social situations that come along with associating with them. I set up me and maddie's clothing store's ebay accnt. just now. I'll post a blog letting everyone know when items will be up. However, it could be a while seeing as how this week my sole focus will be on exams. I need to start collecting items to sell. If anyone has any vintage inspired clothing, shoes, jewelry, anything let me know! I also need to purchase film for my new polaroid camera. Once everything is in place we're going to have some one model the clothes and take pictures of the outfits with my camera. Sweet, things are looking up. I'm still kinda sorta hating people still. I'll become more outgoing and social again one day. I seriously believe I am andy warhol reincarnated bitch. Night!

You can't kill time without injuring us.

I ebayed the fuck out last night. I bid on so much my head was about to explode. As I'm typing this there are about 15 women here for my mom's jewelry party. I want to go eat some of that delicious food I keep smelling but I don't feel like talking to any of them. "You got so big", "You look just like your mom", yeah. I'm such a boring creature. Take today for example, I slept till 4:30 PM in true rockstar fashion. I've watched tv all day. I want to be cory kennedy. She is my sole fashion inspiration. I want to embody all that she embodies. That sounds so creepy hahaha. I have so much to offer the fashion industry, I can't wait to move to new york city and embark on all these dreams i've stored for so long. Watch out, I'll be coming full force. I'm not content just living, I yearn for so much more. I'll be a famous fashion editor, stylist, designer, or maybe all three. The possiblities are endless. I haven't done anything interesting all day. I'm writing out of pure boredom. I'm gonna go mingle and buy some jewelry perhaps.

Less common, more sense.

Power to the dreadful, that is Maddie putting in her two weeks notice today at work. That about ripped my heart out at the seams. However, it was decided tonight that Maddie and I are going to dominate the ebay community. We are going to create an account and sell "vintage" clothes, accessories, shoes, you name it. We even came up with an official and adorable sounding name, "Bella Luna." Props goes to Maddie for the name except not so much in the originality dept. it's taken from a Jason Mraz song. We're gonna sell shit and become rich bitches, that way I can quit working such demanding and stressful retail hours. I sold my soul to the devil in this case, Rue 21. Degrassi premiere was so melodramtic, just the way I like it. Darcy's a cutter, oh the horror. I finally recieved my ebay stuff in the mail today. I am now a proud owner of a polaroid camera, how cliche of me. I'm gonna deck my whole room out in random polaroids I take, cliche number two anyone? I also recieved a sweater dress that is going to be amazing for winter, my sister despises it haha. Plus I got a really cute vintage-y necklace. Ebay may be more addicting than myspace. I don't want to give my eyelids the pleasure of sleep, I fucking hate my eyelids anyhow. This blog has turned into one big jumble of nothingness. I need some productivity in my life. "Being this awkward is a full time job." I'm gonna go munch on some cheez it's and honey mustard. Night all. I probably shouldn't curse, here's to 16 years of wishful thinking.